2010 AG Awards: The 2010 Golden Turd

Feature from Nat - Friday, 24 December 2010 @ 6:50pm

The 2010 AG Awards: The 2010 Golden Turd
The final AG award for 2010, the Golden Turd signifies the absolute worst thing we have been subjected to playing this year, whether at the behest of an idiotic friend, a poor, drunken eBay purchase or a misguided relatives lovely gift, this award celebrates the very worst of gaming.

There's no way in the wholly hell I was getting pictures of these absolute travesties of games, so instead I got pictures of cute dogs in bee costumes.

The AG Nominations:

There is one game which I actually haven't physically been able to review this year, and that's because I can't even get past the tutorial. That game is Sonic Freeriders for Kinect (Xbox 360's new waving arms peripheral). It's just as well this game doesn't use a controller, because I would've thrown it through the TV by now. As it is, I've nearly thrown the TV through a window instead. Really it doesn't matter how fun this turd may or may not be, I can't actually play it. For some reason the game simply refuses to do what I tell it to, a problem I've not had with any other Kinect game I've played (and I was in the Beta program for a few months before release). To put some context on this, Sonic Freeriders is a board riding game which has you jumping, leaning and spinning (yes really) to do tricks. Not only is it really tiring, it is also the most frustrating gaming experience I have EVER had. Even just getting through the tutorial is a challenge. In one instance the game wants YOU to jump and spin (in mid air) so that Sonic does the same thing. The problem is I tried literally dozens of times and the game would simply not respond to my movements. Even just plain old jumping only registered half the time. A control system that is supposed to be a flexible, analog experience is quite digital in it's interpretation of movement. You have to move exactly the way it expects you to or it assumes you must be standing still. This makes the game simply unplayable. On top of that, the graphics are woeful, the menu is the least intuitive interface I've ever used, and the experience as a whole is no better than what was being done with a PS2 Eye-Toy nearly 10 years ago. Maybe you just have to be a sugar-loaded 6 year old to enjoy this, but for anyone over 12 without boundless energy and limitless tolerance Sonic Freeriders is a true horror.

ITS SO CUTE AND FLUFFY I JUST WANT TO HUG IT AAAHHHHH

I am going to give this to Dante’s Inferno. It was an insipid and uninteresting game that took one of history’s greatest and most influential works of fiction and turned it into a mindless and generic shithouse clone. I’m sure there are overall “worse” games that came out this year, but I managed to avoid them and I’m glad of it. Dante’s Inferno was bad enough.

Corgis + Bees = SO CUTE

This may seem a little odd, but my Golden Turd is Steam coming out on the Mac. As a Mac-head, I often looked on with envy at my Windows-loving friends and their huge array of Steam games. I mean, sure I could dual-boot the Mac, but it's such a massive hassle, and I find that my MacBook overheats after just an hour or two of usage when booted in Windows, so I nearly peed my pants with excitement when I found out that Mac was getting some Steam-lovvin too. But since then? The game selection is pretty poor at best. Oh sure, I can now play Left 4 Dead and Team Fortress with my PC buddies, but there's nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the 'news' window pop up when I log into Steam, only to find that nearly all the games either in sales and new release are not out for the Mac, but at best are relegated to yet another boring indie game. Call me ungrateful all you like, but I was just expecting more than this by now. After much promise and fanfare, once again the Mac is relegated to be the red-headed step-child of the gaming world.

Giant puppy! Giant bee! I'm allergic to bees and I dont even care, the cuteness!

There's been a lot of good games in 2010 but by golly there has been a lot of garbage. Many games come a close second like Heavy Rain but Naughty Bear has to take the cake for me. Not only has the game been one of poor design but they have announced a sequel! Who bought the original? I don't mind getting frustrated in a game as it usually gives me ambition to try again but Naughty Bear makes you want to take a dump, eat it, dump it out again so it's doubly bad and smear it all over your game disc. This will make sure no human will want to ever go near it.

And with that horrible, horrible excuse for journalism, the 2010 AG Awards are done! thank you for reading all the way to the end, and be sure to keep sounding off in the forums about your personal nominations - there's been some great revelations so far. Finally, be sure to check in on January 1st 2011 when we publish our Top 5 of 2010 list - it's gonna be a contentious one, to be sure.

From the entire AG Team, have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!